Friday, August 26, 2011

College 101

As we embark on a new school year many of you will be leaving home for the first time. Imagine, no one telling you what time to come home or to clean your room, brush your teeth or God forbid ask, "Where are you going"?
You will undoubtedly receive practical advice from mom and dad when you have the “going off to college talk”. You know... study hard, call home, don't drink and drive and pick your friends wisely. All good advice but there are a few additional things you should know that mom and dad might not include in the "talk". If you are a Freshman you may want to print this out and tape it on your fridge so you can refer to it often; for upper classmen hopefully you will not have violated too many of these already and a quick refresher may be in order.

1) NEVER under any circumstance take a picture with your cell phone that you wouldn't want your grandmother or your dad's boss to see. Trust me no matter what your guy says, it WILL be shown to his friends and it CAN end up on the Internet. If he says it’s for his private “moments” he is lying. Those are spent with Playmate of the Month pics, not you.  Note to self:
Internet = everyone in the universe can see it = forever = you will never be able to marry a Governor or a Preacher or the President.

2) Videos - Unless you are planning a career in the adult film industry don’t even think about this. (When was the last time Paris Hilton or Pamela Anderson had a steady boyfriend? Once their sex tapes where made public even their prospects were reduced!) See rule #1

3) Attire - Mom is no longer monitoring the amount of clothing you wear and it will be tempting to go all Beyonce here. Let’s try not to get too carried away. A little cleavage is sexy; butt cracks are not.

4) If you are not ready to have sex with a guy then stay away from the area below his waist and above his thigh. Any activity you participate in which involves this area is considered sex. If he tells you otherwise he lying. President Clinton was wrong; a penis in your mouth IS considered sex. Why do you think they call it oral sex?  Sorry guys but it's time someone told them the truth. They will have daughters some day and they need to know this. 

5) This one is important, pay attention. A roofie is not the guy who put new shingles on your parent’s house. It is a drug that is slipped into your drink by a guy who can’t get laid by any means other than drugging unsuspecting girls. Yes it happens to people like you. Never leave your drink unattended or accept a drink from someone you don’t know well.

1)    Clean out your car before picking her up for a date. No need to overkill with the Armor All on the dashboard, just remove the books, dirty socks and Whataburger leftovers. A little insight to how our mind works:  Clean car = responsible guy, nice family, bright future, we’ll have a house in the suburbs, marriage material = let’s have fun tonight.   Trashy car = mama’s boy, dad’s in prison, trailer park in the future, I’ll have to work 2 jobs = feed me and take me home.
2)    Condom’s – Always use them, no exceptions. Regardless of what the media portrays; people in Third World Countries and homosexuals are not the only ones who get Aids. College kids in America can and do, lots of them.
3)    It will be tempting to skip class from time to time in order to participate in a HALO or WOW tournament. But be careful here as video games are like crack. One day turns into 2 weeks and the next thing you know a whole semester is gone and you have only attended class 6 times. There is no place on a job application to list your HALO ranking or number of kills. No one over 25 cares, least of all your parents.
4)    Do not take your clothes home to your mother to wash. Sounds cute, looks bad. It’s simple really: dark jeans, underwear and shirts can be washed together on warm water with cold rinse. White clothes together on warm wash cold rinse, only use the bleach if everything is white.   Towels and socks together on warm wash/warm rinse. (Washing towels or socks with dark t-shirts leaves all those little fuzzies on your shirts) Anything that might shrink or anything with bright colors that might bleed wash on cold and hang to dry. You are in college I know you can do this.
5)    Putting a roofie in a girls drink to “loosen” her up so she will have sex with you is not harmless, funny or cool. It is a felony. It is rape. If you can’t comprehend how traumatic rape is don’t fret, as your first week at Leavenworth Penitentiary will solve that problem.

Girls and Guys
            I am sure you have already been told this but I feel it bears repeating hopefully impressing upon you the seriousness of this simple task. Call home, really. Just dial; tell them you are doing great and just called to check in and let them know you miss them. Do not ask for money on every call, they will expect it. Try and grasp this concept. When you don’t call your girlfriend/boyfriend they just get irritated. Don’t call your mom and she’s devastated. We may not tell you but trust me; we created you, we live for you, we would kill to protect you. It’s just a phone call; make it.

            And finally don’t forget to have fun, make friends, learn something and enjoy. Most people will tell you their college years were some of the best years of their life. You have worked hard to get here and you will have to work hard to stay but the pay off is worth it. Now go out and create some great memories and a bright future!


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